By Christopher G. Sykes
It’s an ongoing debate, maybe even feud, between parents and teenage or preteen children. Children want their privacy. Parents want to make sure that children are making wise choices. Both sides think they are right & righteous in the defense of their positions. So how far is too far? Is there an answer to setting privacy expectations, specifically for technology?
Imagine a fluctuating continuum, like a timeline, with total privacy & no protection at one end and total protection with no privacy at the other. Children fall at different places on this continuum based on their relative level of responsibility and stage of life. Obviously a twenty year old child living at home is going to be afforded more privacy and less protection than a two year old. Here are a few things for parents to keep in mind as they have conversations with children about their family’s expectations.
1) Set a TIME. Right after a big fight with a fifteen-year-old probably isn’t the right time. Give her some time to cool off, write her a note, and put it on the calendar at a fairly neutral time. The most appropriate time is whenever parents are giving a child a new privilege, especially if it’s electronic. So if they get a new phone with a 100gb sim, tablet, or laptop for Christmas or their next birthday, let them know on the front end that you are going to sit.
2) Set YOUR Non-negotiables. Before parents walk into that meeting, have a conversation with your spouse, other parents, etc. and do some online research to determine what your non-negotiables are. Depending on a child’s age, this might be something like setting parental controls, setting time limits, checking history, keeping internet-enabled devices in open family living spaces only, texting limits, etc. If you forget the password, you can use a windows password reset tool.
3) Set YOUR Limits. Let limits be a guardrail keeping your teen from manipulating your emotions. While parents may be flexible about what is appropriate on a non-negotiable like setting a time limit, know your absolute maximum and stick to it. Once a child has shown responsibility, limits can more easily be loosened than tightened up.
4) Set your ears on LISTEN. When parents meet with kids, sincerely listen to their expectations. You might be surprised when some aren’t much different than yours. If they’re teens, they probably already have friends who have received or stumbled across inappropriate messages and images. Kids are both more informed and more naive than parents give them credit for, so when they do speak from experience and wisdom, make sure that you are listening to their requests.
5) Set standards for DISCIPLINE. Talk to your kids and decide on appropriate forms of punishment for the rules once you set them. Letting children, especially teens, give some input at this point shows them that parents really value their opinions. Plus it shifts some of the burden of ownership of consequences from parent to child.
6) Set it in WET CEMENT. Put it in writing. Make a contract with your child, but reserve the right to come back to the contract to make changes. By listening to kids and giving them a chance to contribute to the contract, they will feel valued and show some responsibility when parents do have to enforce it in the future. And by both sides signing on the dotted line, they know exactly what the other expects. Your contract might be all inclusive, or you might create one for cell phones, one for computers, one for general rules and privacy, etc. Whatever you choose, remember that your ultimate goal is to help your children guard their hearts from harmful influences. If they won’t let you get close, you won’t be able to help them guard it.
Parents must maintain a strong, healthy relationship with children so that they don’t keep you at arm’s length. Parents will always be the most influential person in a child’s life, but the ability for parents’ influence to guide their children to make wise choices is directly related to the level of love & time they give their kids when they’re not disciplining them.