By Michael Armfield
A few years ago I had a conversation with a friend that was long overdue. The conversation had to do with an issue that happened a long time ago but still had the ability to pull my heart in all sorts of directions. Enough was enough and I was ready for resolution. I asked for wisdom, then gathered my courage and set out to have a talk with my friend. I had rehearsed what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, and most importantly what the desired outcome would be if I was able to have a productive conversation.
I placed a lot of effort in the preparation because this was a painful conflict for me and I did not want to be hurt any longer. I believed that if I thought enough, prayed enough, and was smooth enough with my delivery then everything would work out just the way I wanted. The funny part of this story is that in all my preparation I failed to consider what kind of mood this person would be in when we spoke. I failed to remember that this person also has hurts and pains in their life. I failed to remember that this person also had a result from OUR disagreement. In essence, I realized that my desired outcome had a lot more to do with ME than WE.
A relationship is best defined as an emotional connection between TWO people. Yes that’s right between TWO people. My goal was to “fix it” or better stated get myself out of discomfort.
You know the old saying, “it takes two to tango”. Well I failed to consider that and plowed forward with what I wanted.
Needless to say the conversation did not go as I had hoped. My goal was to place blame where I believed the blame belonged. My desired outcome was an apology and to never be hurt by this individual again.
You will be hurt at some point. It may be your friend, your cousin, your spouse. Who it is does not really matter. If you want to have significant relationships in life you are actually signing up for pain and letdowns. This is just a fact of life.
So back to my story. As I processed what went wrong the light bulb thankfully came on. After recalibrating I again sat down with this person to talk.
First I reminded them that they were important to me. Then I simply asked them what their experience was like in regard to the issue. That day I was reminded of a truth I teach my clients every day. I remembered that until I understand the other side of the story, until I place myself in the other persons shoes, until I acknowledge that I am not perfect, until I accept that my friend is also not perfect, I will just continue to find myself in pain. This pain will lead to bitterness, resentment, and anger. Unchecked this will pain leads to war on earth!
History can be a great teaching tool for you as well. “Hindsight is 20/20”, they say….. How many wars and broken relationships have occurred in your life that was all due to poor listening, selfishness, and weak communication skills?
If what I am saying resonates with you and you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, we should talk..??
Or visit my website. You will find a tool that I have built for you. This tool is designed to help you gain some clarity on why things are just not working out in the relationship department. When you complete it you will have some great “revelations” on what you want to begin to work through.
So if you want 2015 to be the best year of your life do not hesitate, go to www.armfieldgroup.com/assessment and let’s get started building the life you have always dreamed about.
Have a happy, intentional, and powerful 2015!
ArmfieldGroup, Inc.
Helping leaders Achieve there dreams
561-541-3466