That Fear is Not Real - Spectator Magazine

By Michael Armfield

As I look back and reflect on October I am reminded of a powerful truth that plays out in our lives.

Halloween is a time that most children love. It’s a time where kids can dress up as their favorite hero or spooky creature. I do not know about you, but my son starts brainstorming about what he will dress up as months prior to Halloween. He typically changes his mind at least three times. He looks forward to how many houses he can approach to say trick or treat and receive candy from. He also talks about the houses that he does not want to visit from the year prior, as there decorations are just too scary for him.

When I remind him that these scary scenes are just make believe, he is still incapable of understanding that the fear is not real. On the contrary, it is so real to him that he remembers those spooky displays throughout the rest of the year.

As I thought about this phenomenon I began to ponder the power of fear in our lives. Fear has the ability to paralyze us. It has the ability to influence us in a way that we will actually alter our lives to avoid it. Here is the funny thing about fear. It typically is not founded in reality. Just like the houses that are to creepy for my son to visit, you and I have things that terrify us so much that we avoid them all together.

While it is comical to think about a child and their fears of imaginary spooks and ghosts, it is not as comical when you as an adult surrender to your fears.

Think about your life. What are a few things that terrify you? What situations, relationships, or challenges render you paralyzed?

I want to share a example of how fears can destroy. Last month I began working with a young married couple. They have been married for a year and are new to South Florida. On the outside they seem like a normal young family that is making their way in life. On the inside each spouse was avoiding some things in their marriage due to a fear. The husband desired to be affirmed for his hard work but was afraid that if he shared that with his wife she would think he was weak. The wife on the other hand was afraid to tell her husband that she really did not like south Florida and missed their hometown. She thought this would devastate him as his new job transferred him to South Florida.

So just like my child on Halloween, they both avoided the subject. The result of them not facing these fears whether realistic or unrealistic was driving them apart. Privately they both really wanted to be honest with their spouse, but due to some of their let downs in life they could not muster the courage to face this and simply share these topics with each other.

As we continued to work together, I was able to help each spouse work through the worst case scenario that could result from sharing these fears with each other. Thankfully they individually realized that the worse case result was not nearly as bad as continuing to suppress how they were feeling. In our next session each of them shared with each other what has been going on in their heart and mind.

As the husband shared his desire for a pat on the back, his wife smiled and verbally affirmed how much his hard work meant to her. She then said, “Why did you not just tell me that?” The wife then shared how she was struggling with adjusting to their new community and her husband replied with love and even expressed that he was having that same struggle.

The result of each of them facing their fear was powerful. They now understand each other better and have grown closer in their relationship.

As you can see this example illustrates how a simple fear of something has the power to alter your life. Going unchecked this couple’s fear had brought them into my office considering a divorce. Today we are working on examining other fears that they have that each of them have been reluctant to share with each other. They are working on building tools for communication and are starting to really move in a stride with each other.

My child may still continue to fear certain houses in the neighborhood, but one day he will grow beyond that fear. He is a child and that is normal.

You are an adult and some of your fears may be sabotaging everything you want in life. This month I encourage you to examine your life. Think about those things that you are afraid of and are avoiding. Then think about how much time you spend playing out the scenarios in your head. You may surprise yourself as to how much mental energy you have been draining.

Life is too short to let our fears dictate our future.

If fear has been holding you back in life I challenge you to reach out for some assistance. Change and the life you desire is only one step away. The spooky ghosts and grim reapers are for Halloween, today is the day for you to face these facades and begin living the life you desire.

Facing your fears can be scary, and that is why we are here to help you.

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